Confessions of an Ex-Wife

Inspired by those who were brave enough to come forward.

I recently came across several posts on Tumblr where brave women call out their rapist. I unfortunately am not that brave. I made a new Tumblr so no one would know who did it or my name. I won’t use names because honestly I fear I would get into some sort of legal problems. I am a victim of rape. I’ve told my family members (My sister and her boyfriend first) before my marriage ended. It was not something I made up out of being mad about a divorce. I actually hated being married to him, hated him, hated being around him. I stayed because I didn’t know any better I had kids, I didn’t know how life would be like on my own. It started 5 years ago in 2007. I first met the guy on the internet, of course. I had a bad childhood. I just wanted to get away. I think this is why what happened seems so stupid, and why I continued seeing him. I was, and probably still am.. messed up. The first day I had met him, that night he raped me. I told him no, multiple times. I tried to stop him from taking down my pants. Nothing worked. That was the first time. Like I said, I still continued to see him.. nothing after that was ever by force until a year or so later. Fast forward about a bit more than a year and a half later, We have a child.. he had just gotten back from being deployed (for a year). Things were going okay.. for a bit. I noticed how terrible of a father he was.. He just didn’t care. This turned me off to him completely. I didn’t like him. I had a bad childhood. He didn’t take care of his kid or cared to. I was still taking care of a 7 month old baby by myself. Holding her for hours because he makes up excuses to not do anything. I didn’t want to have sex with him. Why would I have sex with someone I don’t love? Thats when it started again. I would always tell him no, he would always force down my pants, hold me and try to penetrate me. Id always try to move my hips away but it didn’t work after a while.. He would often apologize afterwards.. I would always say “I said no/stop, you still did it anyways” It always pretty much went on this way for a long time. I eventually got pregnant again, not planned, not wanting to. He told me to get an abortion. I couldn’t do that. I would never do that. The rape continued for a long time. I hated him. I would always go to bed rolled over to my side and cry. I was really depressed being married to him. Practically raising my daughter on my own. I think in the last 4 months of pregnancy or so, the sex stopped period. I would often sleep on the couch anyways. After my son was born it happened a few times after. And I still hated him. He was even terrible with my son. Eventually he started to really hate me, because I “nagged and bitched” asking him to change a diaper or play with his kids, or to not play counter strike all the time. Even when I got really sick with mastitis (I couldn’t move well, beyond freezing, fevers, couldn’t move my head) I still did everything myself. I eventually even had to drive myself to the doctors not even being able to move my head. There was just so much resentment. The last straw was when he shook our sons head because he cried at night. I took my son and yes I smacked him. I don’t know why I put up with it. I started sleeping on the couch permanently, because I hated him and I didn’t want him to try anything with me. I felt like I couldn’t report it. It was embarrassing… No one would believe me. Like who would ever believe someones husband raped their wives. At the end of my divorce I said I would tell someone.. He told me I have no proof and no one was ever in the room with us. I of course had an uncontested divorce. My kids were my priority. I let him have everything. I just wanted my children’s toys and furniture (in which he has sold a lot of their things to benefit himself). I didn’t bring up the rape with my lawyer or try and prosecute. I thought they would of thought I was making up because he was divorcing me to say it out of anger and spite. It’s not the case. He won’t ever admit it and he walks away scot-free. If I could do something about it I would, my divorce is over now so it wouldn’t look like I’m doing it out of anger.. but I still don’t have any proof.

I’ve thought about seeing a therapist. Im still after months and months trying to force myself to make the call.. Its just really hard to even think about telling someone it happened face to face.